Saying Goodbye Twice

The first time you left, my face adopted a tone of pink that would turn red as soon as I left work, when I found myself alone in my room and every time my thoughts were free to wonder. You came back just in time for me not to get over you. I loved you harder, I hugged you tighter, I saw you more, it was better but it still had an expiration date and it is here. My face has started to turn pink again and my eyes seem to be as full of sadness as my heart, because I can’t open them up completely. This time around, it feels more permanent. I don’t think you’re going to magically come back like last time and so if I ever do see you again, and whenever we speak again, I know it will not be the same. You’ll love someone else, you’ll look at me like another friend, I won’t fit in your arms anymore, I won’t be on your mind. You know those movies that end in a semi slow yet happy tune, were past lovers see each other in public and exchange longing stares, a smile…and then you see his pregnant lover come up and give him a kiss on the cheek? I feel like this is what’s happening. Like I had the chance to see him again and share that stare that needs no words, but it all comes crashing down and becomes realistic once you see that he has moved on and has new baggage. I hope that the scene after the kiss, I get to walk down the street content that I shared happy memories with him, but confident and smiling because I too have moved on. I do think that I am the more affected one, the one who went all in even though I knew he was only half there. I’ll hold this color on my face for a while, I know I’ll cry a few more times, and I won’t eat a proper meal everyday. That ice cream shop, this city, those friends, will forever hold his presence. He helped me make this once strange city, feel a bit more like a home. I’ll miss those mornings when we got up and strolled to get croissants and you kiss me on my forehead and keep one hand comforting my knee. I’ll miss seeing your picture pop-up on my phone when you call me. I’ll miss your cooking and most of all, I’ll miss your loving arms at night, that always keep me warm and make for a great night sleep. I’ll miss the way you look at me intently when I say something smart that you didn’t know I knew. I’ll keep the flowers you last gave me until I can’t keep them anymore. Since I met you, I’ve worn less makeup, I’ve read more books, I listen to NPR. For all the times I’ve cried over you or gotten mad, the good you have done in me far surpasses the negative moments. I am grateful to have gotten the chance to share memories with you, that’s why I cry, because not being able to share anymore with you is a loss. I know that whoever else gets to converse and love with you will be incredibly fortunate. I at least hope to hold a small smile in your heart and a friend for a lifetime.

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