You left, but I’m still here

What happened?

You left last Monday, with the sweetest yet saddest goodbye I’ve said in a while. We cuddled, I came to terms unwillingly that your lips and mine will probably never touch again and you whispered nothing but nice things in my ear. I tend to hide how I feel, but when I am around you I’m not very good at that and so I notice when you notice me trying not to be noticed. That night I couldn’t even look you in the eyes because I knew you could recognize the redness in them from already having cried. I had grown accustomed to our weekly encounters and our talks and I felt so comfortable in your arms. After you left, the whole week seemed to not matter very much, because every thought ended up with your image in my mind and nothing seemed appetizing. We never really talked about us, about what we were doing, except once when we agreed to not continue whatever it was we were doing because you were going to move 7 hours away. I didn’t want long distance either, but it still hurts to say goodbye and know it won’t be the same. I went on with my week and decided to go out on Saturday since the sadness had started to be less haunting. There, unexpectedly, I was informed that before me, you’ve had many others, and that is ok because before you, I’ve had others. But then, I was told that perhaps some of your others have coincided with my time with you. My heart stopped as I listened to what I didn’t think could be true. I keep going over that conversation again and again today (the day after) and although I’m not naive to think that you could only want me, I feel like what bothers me the most is our intimacy in talking. You came to know me well and I came to feel comfortable talking about everything. What really makes my heart sink is the fact that maybe you had the same emotional intimacy with others at the same time as you did with me. Sure, the sex part annoys me as well, but not as much as knowing that maybe after you and I shared emotions, you went ahead and did the same with another. And so today, I am still sad that you moved away, I am still sad because I care for you very much, I am sad because I felt special and as if you could see me that way. The source of my newly discovered information could very well still be bitter and this is just a he said she said situation, but I know it could be true and so my sadness is of a different kind at the moment. I want to ask you myself, I want to know, I want you to tell me why I could never be enough.  I still very much care for you as a friend and I hope that soon this will pass, but I hate to think that this could happen again and so the lump in my throat that appeared that last Monday night remains there and my eyes, though less, are still red. I don’t know how to deal with myself at the moment, it’s even been raining in Los Angeles and it is August, I feel the sadness in everything.


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