Home

I haven’t felt like i’m “home” in so long…I think the only way I will, is by building my own. There’s this place I’ve known for 19 years where I keep everything I own, I used to call it home. It’s still here, where it’s always been. I’m still here, in this place, but home, home is gone. I don’t think I can ever get back to where or what I called home. I’ve been realizing it since I’ve been spending more time in it after college. For 4 years i rushed in and out of this house without ever paying much attention to it, without taking the time to acknowledge that I was home. Now that I’m a graduate, I can’t help but feel that home and I parted ways without ever saying our proper goodbyes. I never saw it coming. It left sometime in between me studying and my trips, which changed me. I had to make “home” wider, because everything I was getting to know was never going to fit inside if it stayed how it was. My friends moved places, so I had to stretch to keep them in. I moved sometimes, so I had to rearrange it a bit to the right, then left and south. I keep bringing new things in, the only way to make way for them is by getting rid of the things I don’t use anymore. And little by little “home” is not the same. I’m not the same. Home is a photograph I find stored away in a drawer, that when I find brings the memories flooding in. But that home can never come back. It’s a memory, an old well known feeling. Home is gone. I don’t feel comfortable or cozy in this place anymore. It feels over used and my stay has been over welcomed. There’s something in me that feels as if the next home that I will come to know, will take a while to be created. Right now, freedom feels like home. Going to find new places and people seems comforting and right. Getting to know another city and finding my own way is home. Nothing is figured out, I don’t understand how other 22 year olds out in the world have things figured out. I can’t picture myself being that person right now either, the one who has a good stable job, is married and takes perfect care of themselves in every way. How do you do it? because i can’t even see what i’ll be up to next month and sometimes, I feel like I need something that’s sure and stable. I miss that.

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