When a day changes dates and years, it doesn’t mean that what you were facing the date before won’t roll over into the new one. If this was the case, 2015 would’ve started out fearless and without the thought of you still lingering. I can’t seem to move on from what we had or what I thought we had. The truth is, maybe, probably, there was really nothing. You moved back home but you keep coming back, via phone call, text, messages, pictures and in video form. I’ve gotten over crushes, lovers and heartbreaks before. I’ve cried and felt sorry for myself and then I’ve moved on. I can’t seem to do the same with you. See, in January I drove 6 hours to see you and it was perfect. In February, you drove 6 hours to me. Or well, the city I’m in because I wasn’t the only reason you came down. What worries me most is the uncontrollable urge I feel to do anything to be with you and the truth is, I don’t know if you would do the same for me. You told me once you loved me. And ever since then, I’ve told you I love you exactly three times, but it has never been reciprocated again. I fear the love you feel for me only comes in waves and those waves only seem to come when they’re most convenient. I haven’t loved a person this much in a very long time. I’m always scared to be one of those people that falls mad head over heels for a person and they seem kind of stupid to me. Like they lose control over their emotions and who the are. But here I am, being stupid, feeling things I can’t control, trying to make you like me and I’m tired. I want to feel like you love me all the time. I want to feel like you’re proud to tell others that you’re with me and not feel like I can’t confidently say that we’re together.
The first time you left, my face adopted a tone of pink that would turn red as soon as I left work, when I found myself alone in my room and every time my thoughts were free to wonder. You came back just in time for me not to get over you. I loved you harder, I hugged you tighter, I saw you more, it was better but it still had an expiration date and it is here. My face has started to turn pink again and my eyes seem to be as full of sadness as my heart, because I can’t open them up completely. This time around, it feels more permanent. I don’t think you’re going to magically come back like last time and so if I ever do see you again, and whenever we speak again, I know it will not be the same. You’ll love someone else, you’ll look at me like another friend, I won’t fit in your arms anymore, I won’t be on your mind. You know those movies that end in a semi slow yet happy tune, were past lovers see each other in public and exchange longing stares, a smile…and then you see his pregnant lover come up and give him a kiss on the cheek? I feel like this is what’s happening. Like I had the chance to see him again and share that stare that needs no words, but it all comes crashing down and becomes realistic once you see that he has moved on and has new baggage. I hope that the scene after the kiss, I get to walk down the street content that I shared happy memories with him, but confident and smiling because I too have moved on. I do think that I am the more affected one, the one who went all in even though I knew he was only half there. I’ll hold this color on my face for a while, I know I’ll cry a few more times, and I won’t eat a proper meal everyday. That ice cream shop, this city, those friends, will forever hold his presence. He helped me make this once strange city, feel a bit more like a home. I’ll miss those mornings when we got up and strolled to get croissants and you kiss me on my forehead and keep one hand comforting my knee. I’ll miss seeing your picture pop-up on my phone when you call me. I’ll miss your cooking and most of all, I’ll miss your loving arms at night, that always keep me warm and make for a great night sleep. I’ll miss the way you look at me intently when I say something smart that you didn’t know I knew. I’ll keep the flowers you last gave me until I can’t keep them anymore. Since I met you, I’ve worn less makeup, I’ve read more books, I listen to NPR. For all the times I’ve cried over you or gotten mad, the good you have done in me far surpasses the negative moments. I am grateful to have gotten the chance to share memories with you, that’s why I cry, because not being able to share anymore with you is a loss. I know that whoever else gets to converse and love with you will be incredibly fortunate. I at least hope to hold a small smile in your heart and a friend for a lifetime.
You left last Monday, with the sweetest yet saddest goodbye I’ve said in a while. We cuddled, I came to terms unwillingly that your lips and mine will probably never touch again and you whispered nothing but nice things in my ear. I tend to hide how I feel, but when I am around you I’m not very good at that and so I notice when you notice me trying not to be noticed. That night I couldn’t even look you in the eyes because I knew you could recognize the redness in them from already having cried. I had grown accustomed to our weekly encounters and our talks and I felt so comfortable in your arms. After you left, the whole week seemed to not matter very much, because every thought ended up with your image in my mind and nothing seemed appetizing. We never really talked about us, about what we were doing, except once when we agreed to not continue whatever it was we were doing because you were going to move 7 hours away. I didn’t want long distance either, but it still hurts to say goodbye and know it won’t be the same. I went on with my week and decided to go out on Saturday since the sadness had started to be less haunting. There, unexpectedly, I was informed that before me, you’ve had many others, and that is ok because before you, I’ve had others. But then, I was told that perhaps some of your others have coincided with my time with you. My heart stopped as I listened to what I didn’t think could be true. I keep going over that conversation again and again today (the day after) and although I’m not naive to think that you could only want me, I feel like what bothers me the most is our intimacy in talking. You came to know me well and I came to feel comfortable talking about everything. What really makes my heart sink is the fact that maybe you had the same emotional intimacy with others at the same time as you did with me. Sure, the sex part annoys me as well, but not as much as knowing that maybe after you and I shared emotions, you went ahead and did the same with another. And so today, I am still sad that you moved away, I am still sad because I care for you very much, I am sad because I felt special and as if you could see me that way. The source of my newly discovered information could very well still be bitter and this is just a he said she said situation, but I know it could be true and so my sadness is of a different kind at the moment. I want to ask you myself, I want to know, I want you to tell me why I could never be enough. I still very much care for you as a friend and I hope that soon this will pass, but I hate to think that this could happen again and so the lump in my throat that appeared that last Monday night remains there and my eyes, though less, are still red. I don’t know how to deal with myself at the moment, it’s even been raining in Los Angeles and it is August, I feel the sadness in everything.
I watched you sleep next to me and it was such a bittersweet view. I don’t normally get affected by the things I dream, but that night made me feel as if I was awake. See, I had the most vivid dream where we were talking as we fell asleep and in it you told me such sweet things like “you have no idea how you make me feel”, “I like what you’ve made me feel”. I slowly opened my eyes, it was the middle of the night and I was still in that limbo half asleep half awake stage and for some reason you were sleeping on your back, which you almost never do. You looked so peaceful, I was on my side and caught a view of your face in my blurry, sleepy, thought your words were real, vision. I wanted to close my eyes and go back to bed because I was sleepy and it was late, but for some reason my eyes kept trying to watch you more. I mean that in the most un-creepy way possible, I just wanted to look at your face in an innocent state. When we parted ways that day i broke down right away, I know it was only a dream but it broke my heart and it hasn’t been the same since. You will move a few hours away soon and I fear this was all for nothing. But it has meant so much! I don’t think you realize that. That quote from You’ve got Mail, “But I just want to say that all this nothing has meant more to me than so many somethings” feels so personal right now. I wish I could tell you all this! But I hate how you make fun of me sometimes when I try to be honest and open about what I feel. If there is one thing I could do without is your stubbornness and lack of a filter at times. But at the same time, I like you as you are. You make me want to be honest and tell you how I feel even though you make me feel vulnerable and weak. Yes, I like you so much that it seems not to matter how you make me blush for telling you about my feelings. It sucks to think that this will all be over soon, but I refuse to let this end without speaking for myself. And so I’m trying to be courageous and prepare myself for the inevitable moment where I share with you what’s on my mind and you proceed to not intentionally make me die a bit on the inside. You have been like a city within this city to me, a different place I go to escape what has come to be my home this past almost year. You are a skyline, whose view hasn’t gotten old, a place I feel I haven’t fully learned about enough and I don’t want to stop visiting. A picture will not do, you’re a ‘listical’ I haven’t finished reading about the city that will steal my heart and countless places in it that will change you.
Llevamos en estas desde Marzo. Yo sé que para tí no es lo mismo que para mí, pero por alguna razón aún guardo esperanza de que un día cambies de opinión. Esto empezó sin yo esperar nada, y tengo miedo que culmine así mismo, porque siempre me cuesta tanto trabajo comprender cómo alguien que en un momento dado formó parte de tu vida puede desaparecer sin motivo. Bueno, sin motivo para mi. Cuando se vá, tengo que ajustarme y volver a hacer lo que sea que estaba yo haciendo antes de conocerte. De los muchos adjetivos que me has dado, el más reciente y el que más odio es que soy indecisa. Admito que lo puedo ser, pero lo odio porque pienso que piensas que me conoces muy bien, y aunque me conoces bastante si en realidad supieras lo que hay muy adentro de mí, ‘indecisa’ no sería lo primero que pensaras cuando piensas en mi. Yo sé lo que quiero, y me cuesta trabajo expresarlo muchas veces porque me pongo a pensar en qué tú quieres y en qué tú piensas y entonces no quiero decir algo que tú no quieras. Cuando leo eso que yo misma he escrito ¡me pongo mal! Cómo es posible que yo me preocupe tanto por lo que alguien, que probablemente piensa de mi como alguien pasajero, piense de mi. No sé cómo ser más valiente conmigo misma y con los demás.
Nothing is perfect at this moment in my life, yet nights like the one that just ended make me see how great it is that I don’t have it all put together. Being “friend-zoned” is not fun, but knowing that that person is there and is a great friend makes it ok. Having a mountain of homework and responsibilities that await for me when I wake up, but my night ending at 3 a.m. makes it all ok right now. When life starts to get overwhelming and I think I am not on the right path, moments like the ones made tonight remind me that I am very lucky. Fortunate to experience new moments with friends and glad to be open minded and willing to accept challenges and spontaneity. I didn’t over think everything, I opened up to new people and I made new memories. Let this night be a message on an imaginary post-it note in my mind, reminding me that in the mists of seemingly chaos, there can be inner peace.
Sometimes I get sad suddenly. There is nothing immediately wrong, but sadness creeps in like a shadow under a passing cloud. Lately, I worry that I might drive people away, but you see I’m not doing this on purpose and I don’t mean to bring others down, most of them don’t notice, but the ones I especially don’t want to notice are the ones that do. I don’t know how to express myself sometimes and so that’s why sentences like the past one end like that, and that’s why I’m scared to share my feelings and thoughts most of the time. Tonight, I felt extremely silly. I didn’t do anything wrong, I know that, but I felt like maybe I was perceived that way? I think I just feel lonely here. Every time I feel like this I try and remind myself that, yes I am alone here because I wanted to move and reach my goals and I am in the middle of making them a reality. I didn’t come here for a guy, or friends, but I wonder if distractions should be a part of it. I get that I can’t just go in a straight line, and I don’t want to, but times like these I just wish there was a path to follow. I miss my friends, I miss my family, I miss knowing where I am and how to get there. I love this city and this place, but it scares me sometimes to know that I don’t know much about it and that if I mess things up I don’t know where to go. Ugh am I doing 23 right?
Recently, I came across this awesome video that really got me thinking about my confidence and how I treat myself. One of the hardest things to do, at least for me, is acknowledge who I am, and how I feel about myself. So, let’s try this thing! (it’s one of those emotional nights and I’m putting off hw).
For many reasons, I am proud of you. You set your mind and got to where you wanted to be by putting effort and not sitting around and waiting for things to happen. However, I feel like you should start saying some of the many things that you constantly think, especially in appropriate moments. Like when the time feels right and the setting is good and you have a clear thought of what you want to say, but yet you don’t say it, and then it comes out in red cheeks and a wet pillow. This should stop, not only because it bottles you up, but because others should listen and even if they don’t you should be able to do what songs say and say what you want so say. However much this sounds cliché should not limit you into not doing so. This is perhaps what sets you back the most, and yet makes you who you are. I like that you’re open to meeting new people and new experiences, and this makes you break down that awful barrier every once in a while. You love spontaneity, and great memories have been experienced through being opened to try new things at any given moment. This makes you accept a lot of things, which sometimes is great and others not so much. You let others’ reactions affect you to much. Somebody said something and you think it means something else and then you make this whole story in your head and it gets you down. Please stop over thinking every little thing, your brain and your heart could use a break. But at the same time follow your feelings! Don’t be intimidated by others, for all you know they could be putting on a show. Learn to love who you are inside and out! I know you’ve been working hard on that resolution to workout and it is already noticeable so keep it up! Now let’s keep working on that inside and remind yourself that you are loved. Even if some nights are hard to get through, just look at where you are sleeping! You are were you worked so hard to be!
Got an insecure mind but I know what I love. See, sometimes what happens is that I over think things. Everything from texting with a guy to raising my hand in class, I over think it. This really dawned on me last weekend while I was surfing for the first time in my life. The friend that was teaching me, casually told me “you seem to be over thinking to much right as you catch a wave, that’s why you’re staying on your knees for to long and take to much time to actually get up.” What an accurate way to describe my life, ugh. I managed to get up on the board a few times, but not nearly as much as I would’ve liked. And that right there seems to be my biggest obstacle, see I try and head for a wave, but then when I have it i doubt myself, I lose confidence, I start comparing, thus over thinking takes over the moment, and sometimes makes it pass and I am just left there floating to find another to catch. I’m afraid if I keep this up I’ll get left behind or stuck.
El 2014 comenzó con una multa por estacionamiento, mientras me encontraba tirada en la arena tomando el sol y una cerveza en una playa. $50.00 bien invertidos ya que se trataba de uno de los mejores días que he tenido en todas las vacaciones de navidad. Espero que eso haya sido un avance de lo que va a ser mi 2014. No tener multas, si no que trabajar para algo y entender que muchas veces ocurren situaciones negativas, pero si puedo tomarme el tiempo de disfrutar lo que tengo con quienes quiero, !pues que así sea!