A Reminder to Myself

Nothing is perfect at this moment in my life, yet nights like the one that just ended make me see how great it is that I don’t have it all put together. Being “friend-zoned” is not fun, but knowing that that person is there and is a great friend makes it ok. Having a mountain of homework and responsibilities that await for me when I wake up, but my night ending at 3 a.m. makes it all ok right now. When life starts to get overwhelming and I think I am not on the right path, moments like the ones made tonight remind me that I am very lucky. Fortunate to experience new moments with friends and glad to be open minded and willing to accept challenges and spontaneity. I didn’t over think everything, I opened up to new people and I made new memories. Let this night be a message on an imaginary post-it note in my mind, reminding me that in the mists of seemingly chaos, there can be inner peace.

Running from clouds

Sometimes I get sad suddenly. There is nothing immediately wrong, but sadness creeps in like a shadow under a passing cloud. Lately, I worry that I might drive people away, but you see I’m not doing this on purpose and I don’t mean to bring others down, most of them don’t notice, but the ones I especially don’t want to notice are the ones that do. I don’t know how to express myself sometimes and so that’s why sentences like the past one end like that, and that’s why I’m scared to share my feelings and thoughts most of the time. Tonight, I felt extremely silly. I didn’t do anything wrong, I know that, but I felt like maybe I was perceived that way? I think I just feel lonely here. Every time I feel like this I try and remind myself that, yes I am alone here because I wanted to move and reach my goals and I am in the middle of making them a reality. I didn’t come here for a guy, or friends, but I wonder if distractions should be a part of it. I get that I can’t just go in a straight line, and I don’t want to, but times like these I just wish there was a path to follow. I miss my friends, I miss my family, I miss knowing where I am and how to get there. I love this city and this place, but it scares me sometimes to know that I don’t know much about it and that if I mess things up I don’t know where to go. Ugh am I doing 23 right?

A love letter to myself

Recently, I came across this awesome video that really got me thinking about my confidence and how I treat myself. One of the hardest things to do, at least for me, is acknowledge who I am, and how I feel about myself. So, let’s try this thing! (it’s one of those emotional nights and I’m putting off hw).

Dear Vero:

For many reasons, I am proud of you. You set your mind and got to where you wanted to be by putting effort and not sitting around and waiting for things to happen. However, I feel like you should start saying some of the many things that you constantly think, especially in appropriate moments. Like when the time feels right and the setting is good and you have a clear thought of what you want to say, but yet you don’t say it, and then it comes out in red cheeks and a wet pillow. This should stop, not only because it bottles you up, but because others should listen and even if they don’t you should be able to do what songs say and say what you want so say. However much this sounds cliché should not limit you into not doing so. This is perhaps what sets you back the most, and yet makes you who you are. I like that you’re open to meeting new people and new experiences, and this makes you break down that awful barrier every once in a while. You love spontaneity, and great memories have been experienced through being opened to try new things at any given moment. This makes you accept a lot of things, which sometimes is great and others not so much. You let others’ reactions affect you to much. Somebody said something and you think it means something else and then you make this whole story in your head and it gets you down. Please stop over thinking every little thing, your brain and your heart could use a break. But at the same time follow your feelings! Don’t be intimidated by others, for all you know they could be putting on a show. Learn to love who you are inside and out! I know you’ve been working hard on that resolution to workout and it is already noticeable so keep it up! Now let’s keep working on that inside and remind yourself that you are loved. Even if some nights are hard to get through, just look at where you are sleeping! You are were you worked so hard to be!

The way I am

Got an insecure mind but I know what I love. See, sometimes what happens is that I over think things. Everything from texting with a guy to raising my hand in class, I over think it. This really dawned on me last weekend while I was surfing for the first time in my life. The friend that was teaching me, casually told me “you seem to be over thinking to much right as you catch a wave, that’s why you’re staying on your knees for to long and take to much time to actually get up.” What an accurate way to describe my life, ugh. I managed to get up on the board a few times, but not nearly as much as I would’ve liked. And that right there seems to be my biggest obstacle, see I try and head for a wave, but then when I have it i doubt myself, I lose confidence, I start comparing, thus over thinking takes over the moment, and sometimes makes it pass and I am just left there floating to find another to catch. I’m afraid if I keep this up I’ll get left behind or stuck.

Bienvenido 2014

El 2014 comenzó con una multa por estacionamiento, mientras me encontraba tirada en la arena tomando el sol y una cerveza en una playa. $50.00 bien invertidos ya que se trataba de uno de los mejores días que he tenido en todas las vacaciones de navidad. Espero que eso haya sido un avance de lo que va a ser mi 2014. No tener multas, si no que trabajar para algo y entender que muchas veces ocurren situaciones negativas, pero si puedo tomarme el tiempo de disfrutar lo que tengo con quienes quiero, !pues que así sea!

 

To whatever may come…

Like a song that starts out slow and then halfway through develops into fast percussion and makes you want to dance, 2013 was definitely a song I enjoyed listening to. The only genre I can classify it in is Celtic Salsa. What a mix of unexpected and yet surprisingly wonderful occurrences the last 12 months have brought.
Moving to another city, making new friends, missing new people, coming back home and seeing everything with different eyes, 2013 was life changing. It really was, I have no idea how 2014 will turn out, but if there is one thing that I learned from this year, it’s to work for what you want and just go get it. It is scary, and at times my own laziness got the best of me, but doing things for yourself is the best feeling I’ve encountered.
I can only hope that whatever 2014 brings, makes me strong enough to stand up for myself and yet kind enough to share with others.
Cheers to whatever is coming my way! I welcome you 2014

The real letter

It’s about to be 4 months since I’ve been calling this big city home. And with a home, in my mind, comes a family. The friends I’ve made have definitely turned into just that. A new home with a new family who I can trust, and have fun with. There’s even been a few crushes, one in particular seems to stick around, and even though he will get a card from me along with a gift this holiday season, i can’t be completely honest so let’s do it here.
You confuse me every single day. I try and seem calm, I try and seem like I don’t care, I try, perhaps to much, and a lot of the time I feel extremely replaceable. I am very much aware of your nature and the way you are, but you can’t do this to me. See, to you flirting is a fun game that you play with every single girl that you encounter. And it is fun a lot of the time, until you make me think things. You’re one of my closest friends here, we spend a lot of our time together, but when you make it seem like I’m different I start to think it, and then over think it, and then actually step back and look at what’s going on. Some days it feels so right, and others like today, i feel so normal and common to you, and so it makes me feel terrible about myself. It should not be this way, a guy shouldn’t make me feel like this, I shouldn’t allow myself to get this way. But I do, and it is my own fault. I don’t want to lose you as a friend, so I will continue to try and keep my feelings away, but I’m worried that one day they’ll just take control and speak up. You’re a great friend, I just don’t know if I can keep up.

On my way

If I would have imagined what I would be doing today when I was younger, it would’ve seemed like an impossible endeavor to achieve. I’m not saying I’ve “made it” in any way at all, but I feel like I’ve accomplished what I once thought as impossible. Maybe it’s just me, but moving across the world to a different city with no friends or family nearby, and furthering my education in what I’ve come to know and love, is pretty epic to think about. And that’s the thing, I never really thought about it until I was walking on my own back to my apartment one chilly afternoon and realized that I was happy. Sure, it is incredibly scary knowing you’re so far away from what you’ve known all your life, but somehow it’s not lonely or sad. Just scary, in the kind of way that makes you want to make everything work. I think that getting comfortable is bad for one’s motivation and passion, and so being on my toes keeps me going. There are so many things that I haven’t worked out yet, but the leaves turning colors and falling on a crisp cool autumn day outside as I walk through my now known streets, makes me feel alright about it all. And I can only hope that whatever comes for me in the future satisfies me enough to keep me hungry. 

Estar

A veces, en medio de la noche, me siento en mi cama y miro mi alrededor. Hay 4 paredes blancas que han sido antes rosa, violeta, verde y colores que no pinté yo y estaban antes de mi. Se me hace difícil pensar que alguien más le pondrá pigmento, aunque sé que lo han hecho antes de mi, y lo harán luego de yo partir. Una serie de pensamientos egocéntricos ocurren en mi mente cuando pienso en que muchas cosas pronto van a cambiar. Yo sé que todo sigue aunque yo no esté, pero me cuesta trabajo entenderlo. Se me hace difícil pensar que este espacio será de alguien más algún día. Pero, antes de que lo llamara mío, alguien ya lo había hecho de ellos. Estas 4 paredes me han visto crecer, literalmente en altura al igual que en sentimiento. No es lo mismo haber estado en un lugar, que haber vivido en él, creado memorias y tener el privilegio de extrañarlo.

Me quedan tres días exactos de estar aquí. Mi gavetas se encuentran mayormente vacías y mi armario está compuesto de ganchos vacíos y de ropa que no me gusta. Mi noche de despedida con mis amistades acaba de culminar, y lo más que estas cuatro paredes me han enseñado, es a no solo estar, si no ha ser parte de mi alrededor. A veces pienso que el tiempo no da a basto para hacer lo que quiero, pero estas últimas semanas he visto lo contrario pasar. Estas cuatro paredes siempre estarán conmigo no importa a dónde vaya, al realizar esto, ahora voy a donde quiera.

Expiration dates

I feel like a yogurt that’s been sitting around in the fridge for a while. Each time you open the door to aimlessly look around when you know exactly what lies inside, you see that plastic container on the top shelf. I’ve been living to many predictable days. Every so often, I find I have moments were I’m opened to more things and were I try not to judge myself, those are the days were I try new things and gain great memories. I want to have more of those “fuck it” moments. Moments when you think to yourself “oh why not!” and then you find yourself unarmed and having a good time. I’ve found that the key to having days that include those type of moments, is taking advantage of opportunities that come your way and not expecting a whole lot, just living in the moment. Unfortunately, sometimes, I see the opportunity as it is heading into the sunset without me and so times like those make me feel like I’m on the sidelines watching other people get in on all the action.

Just like that yogurt in the fridge, opportunities have expiration dates, sometimes they’re clearly visible. Other times, you have to really turn it and look around for the scratched up black ink that contains the now blurry numbers. If you don’t take advantage of it in its prime time, you might find that it turns clumpy and maybe a little furry, and what is that color? strawberries are not supposed to be green. If you let the moment pass, it will and you will be disappointed and start asking questions with “what if” in them. It’s like shopping at Marshall’s or some other discount store, were if you fall in love with a pair of patterned pants but go home to think about if you really want them, and then it turns out that you do, so you go back to the store an hour, a day or a week later, and they are no longer there.

I think I need to be more confident in myself. Every year, around this time, I watch commencement speeches. I guess I try to think of myself as part of the audience the speaker is addressing. Some contain the same advice over and over again, but others provide a fresh perspective and motivation. It’s like watching a good movie were the ending just leaves you wanting to do more for yourself. I want to do more for myself and take opportunities before they expire.